Enduring to the end in a Healthy Marriage

Marriage. Words that I think of when I think of the word marriage are joy, happiness, love, unselfishness, caring, devotion. But it can also have times of sorrow, anger, hurt, and some might feel lonely, or regret.
I underlined unselfishness, because I think that that is the key word to having a more successful marriage. In a world that has become more selfish and entitled, it is important to remember that in a marriage their are two people, and you need to give of yourself, and not just take from your spouse. It is also important that you realize that it takes time for your love to grow, it takes time to know just how to love your spouse, it takes time and effort. One of my favorite quotes "People have learned to discard everything from paper plates to spouses." Divorce has become so common and so many have walked away from something that could have been fixed, but it seemed easier not to. When you first get married, and for the most part the first two years, you adjust and try to get through different transitions. You are learning to cope with living with someone you don't entirely know everything about, you have to cope with each other going to school, or working, or in-laws, money issues, for some they have children within the first two years, or even before. Their are many things that couples have to learn to work out, but what is important is that they DO work it out, and HOW they work it out.
So I would just like to help foster some Do's to do whether you have been married for 1 month or 50 years. These are some helpful tips that can help any marriage.
First thing, it is important for each couple to go over "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." In line six it states: "husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other," and through out the proclamation we can feel the importance of marriage and its purpose. It will do us well to seek out and have a greater understanding of what we have covenanted and committed to, and hope that that will give you the right attitude and behavior going into your marriage.
So there are two types of commitment,   constraint commitment, and personal dedication. Constraint commitment is an obligation, it forces couples to serve each other rather than break up. Personal dedication is an "intentional decision and desire to stay in a marriage." You are unselfish and want to seek your spouses welfare along with yours. Both are important, however you can see with personally dedicated couples that they give their relationship higher priority, and just like any type of service, you can feel a greater satisfaction for those you are serving and love.
Here are some ways you can nurture your covenants and marriage:
 Foundation Process #1
1. Intentional personal dedication.

1. Make a decision yourself that you will be intentionally and personally dedicated to your spouse.
2.  Sacrifice for and organize your life around each others
3. Change your attitude and behavior to better your relationship
4. Learn to resolve differences, listen, do have unrealistic expectations
5. Have date nights each week
6. Resolve personal problems
7. Be a good person 
8. Personally strive for individual improvement

 Elder Robert D. Hales explained:

                          "An eternal bond doesn't just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities."

2. Exclusive cleaving and unity. 

Please refer to D&C 42:22. President Spencer W. Kimball taught: 

"The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."

3. Practice spiritual patterns.

1. Pray and attend church together
2. "The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more meaningful, and in a sense easier your marriage is likely to be."  

President Kimball summed it up in his talk "Oneness in Marriage":

"When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste-mentally and physically-so that their whole thoughts and desires and loves are all centered in the one being, their companion, and both work together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle."

Foundational Process #2

 Ways to help nurture love and friendship

1. Know your partners love preferences. How does your partner like to receive love? 
2. Build a "love map"- a mental notebook where you collect info about your spouse that you want to remember. Like what your spouse's favorite food is, their likes, dislikes, dreams, fears, joys, ect. You do this so you can use these to love them better. You can create their favorite meal. Take them somewhere that reminds them of something they really love. 
3. Create Caring Days
1. This is where you tell each other something you would like each other to do. It must be specific, and it must be something that is positive, and small enough to be done on a daily basis, and cannot be related to any recent conflict. 
4. Talk as friends
5. Respond to bids for connection
1. A bid can be a question, a look, a gesture, a touch- any single expression that says, "I want to feel connected to you." 
6. Set goals for couple interaction
1. Do something together everyday, or everyweek
2. talk to each other about your day

Foundation Process #3
 Positive Interaction

When Aaron and I were first married we had many negative interactions. We fought on a regular basis. It was hard to feel happy in our marriage, and to want to spend time together because I thought we would just end up fighting. We were focusing to much on what we weren't doing rather than what we were doing. So I would suggest that when you find yourself feeling negatively towards each other, focus on positive qualities that each other possesses. Write out what made you fall in love with each other in the first place. What are their personal traits that you are drawn too, their talents, or features? You will find quickly how much your attitude changes in your mind and towards your spouse.

Foundation Process #4
Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

1. Prevention. Somethings just don't need to be said, it doesn't solve anything, and it you end up fighting about it. I remember having this problem a lot when we were first married. I would just say things that weren't very nice, or things he did that really bothered me, but didn't really need to be said. Couple council is one way you can talk about your relationship.
2. Eliminate Destructive interaction patterns 
1. In the book they identified four destructive patterns and called them "the four horsemen of the apocalypse, as they progresivly lead to the downfall of the relationship
1. cristism
2. contempt (sarcasm, name-calling, or eye-rolling)
3. defesiveness
4. stonewalling (unwilling to discuss issues)
3. Bring up concern softly, gently, and privately.  
1. This is important to not use "you" statements. It is important to say "I" statements when trying to talk about feelings. It is also super important that you discuss things privately and not to bring up issues in front of others, especially other family members.  Please refer to D&C 121:43. 

Again it is important to remember to have a good attitude and remember the importance of your marriage. I really love Elder F. Burton Howard's  explanation of how we should treat marriage.

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat is just that way."