Family and Finances

My husband and I talked about the feelings we felt when we first met each other’s parents. I told him I was very nervous and that I hoped they liked me. I knew I was very shy and I didn’t want them to see that the wrong way and think that I didn’t like them because I was shy. They also have such a close family, and my family has had many struggles, that I was afraid they wouldn't think I was good enough for their son. However after meeting them I really loved them. After being married for a few years we ended up moving to my husbands home town which was away from my family and right around the corner from his. That created more problems with my relationship with my mom. She would get really upset and feel like she had to compete and I felt it put me in such a weird position. Things have gotten better, but it can still be hard at times.
                  We also talked about our financial responsibilities and what happened when we first got married to change our financial opportunities. We talked about the first time when we very first got married and all the financials were kind of a mess. It was funny now that we look back and I’m glad we had that experience to make us stronger. My husband had many different family rules than I did but we are getting along great. We have resolved any money issues we might have had and we talk about all of our financial responsibilities now.
                  I think that these issues can be resolved very well if we approach them early. That is why I think that the first year in marriage is the most important. It is the year that will change both of your lives forever. My husband and I made promises that we would not go back to our old ways and always strive to move forward and talk about the struggles that we have.

Family First

I enjoyed reading Richard Miller’s article, Who is The Boss?  There weren’t too many new ideas that I found, though (remember, I’ve been around a while).  One thing I want to point out is the parents’ responsibility to set limits for their children and use the word NO.  One of my pet peeves is when parents look their child in the eye tell them no, and then let them go and do whatever they want.  Are the parents doing it to show those watching that they’re trying to be a good parent?  Do they think that their child should understand the word just from them saying it?  Miller shares the quote by President Kimball that says, “setting limits for children shows you care.”  I think it’s very important that when a parent tells their child no, that the parent then has the responsibility to follow through with that and make sure their child learns the meaning of the word.  It’s a lot of work for parents to follow through and make sure it happens, but that is part of being a parent. 

One other idea from Miller’s article that I liked was that the husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.  He also points out the leader-servant example that Jesus set.  When a husband is serving his wife and family, and leading by serving, there is more love all around.  The wife feels like she’s valued and the children have a better relationship with their father, too. 

As far as councils go, we’ve never had an official husband/wife council but we do have family councils when the need arises.  Someone has an issue that concerns the whole family and they call for a family council.  We start with prayer and discuss the issue.  Everyone voices their opinion and we come to a consensus.  We had a 5^th Sunday- Sunday School lesson about family councils and have done them this way ever since.  I liked this quote from Elder Ballard, “No man is capable of judging a matter unless his own heart is pure.”  I think that’s important for parents to remember.  We might have our minds already made up when it comes to something our children want to discuss, but we need to keep our hearts not only open, but also pure so we can truly understand where they’re coming from.

Intimacy in Marriage

I think fulfilling the sexual stewardship in marriage means that you give 100% of yourself to your spouse. You seek for ways to create a stronger bond and together find joy in loving one another fully. I think it also means being open and discussing sexual intimacy, so that both people are on the same page. I thought Brother Brotherson discussed many important facets of sexual intimacy, but one of the most important I think is overcoming inhibition if it is present. He talked about the importance of not avoiding dealing with one’s thoughts, feelings, desires, or behaviors related to sexual functioning in marriage. I like that Bro. Barlow pointed out that the scriptures do not use the word sex, but rather know or knew. This is really neat to me because it describes it as having a deeper meaning than the way the world views it.  Husband and wife cleave unto one another and none else and in turn become the more important person in the life of the other.

Bro. Brotherson also talked about some couples feeling unwholesome or anxious about expressing their feelings after marriage. I feel like this could be remedied by parents teaching their children that sexual intimacy is not something that is bad, but is saved for the sacred bonds of marriage. I had one roommate who’s parents never talked to her about sex and I feel that this was a great disservice to her. The church has an awesome handbook for teaching children and teens about sex. Of course you don’t tell them more than they need to know, but it gives great guidelines for what to teach at different ages. From a young age we should teach children to respect their bodies and those of others; that our bodies are good and not something to be ashamed of. Along these same lines, the prophetic teaching of President Brown stood out to me:

“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.” (Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 73, 76; emphasis added)

Bro. Brotherson gave a beautiful comparison I thought- he compared us returning to the temple often to serve and be reminded of the standards we have committed ourselves to live to a frequent return as a couple to serving, loving and reminding ourselves of the commitment we’ve made as a couple through sexual intimacy. I think if we think of sexual intimacy in this way then we will fulfill our sexual stewardship in marriage.

Love Never Faileth

In order to overcome gridlock we have to identify what is causing it and be willing to listen, respect and validate what your spouse is trying to convey. The key is all about helping your spouse realize their dreams. In marriage we should be interested to know how our spouse feels, thinks and what their aspirations are. Overcoming gridlock requires each person to feel their dream is supported by the other. I think what it comes down is having charity for one another. The example Gottman shared of the couple who couldn’t find a way to satisfy one another’s dreams eventually did when they each exhibited charity. The wife was more willing to take in to consideration her husband’s thoughts and feelings when she felt that her husband supported and cared about her love for her horse. Overcoming gridlock requires selflessness and respect; Gottman says, “Acknowledging and respecting each others deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.”

I think the overall message of Goddard’s book is that if spouses exhibit charity toward one another they will have a successful marriage. Everything he taught in his book has charity at its core. How can we go wrong in marriage when we are kind, patient, selfless, calm, humble and forgiving? Moroni 7:46-47 teaches : “...charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity,which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail-but charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.”  I love the word cleave in verse 46-just as we are to cleave unto our spouse we should cleave unto these good things which will in turn make our relationships lasting and fulfilling. When we exhibit charity it is much easier to see the good in our spouse and the more we look for the good the more we will find it. I like how Goddard said: “We should enjoy and appreciate our partners. We should forgive them of their humanness. The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not in tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing and appreciating them!”

Drawing Closer Together

Thinking about Adam and Eve I can't help but have a sadness for them for the loss of their sons. The poem Lamentation gave me new perspective of how they must have felt. They knew they would have to experience sorrow, but probably never thought it would come to them in this way. Because they were one in purpose they were able to endure this trial. Together they applied the Atonement of Jesus Christ. They turned to one another and the Lord and viewed marriage as a partnership with Him. They had the same goals and understood one another's roles in their marriage as nurturer and provider which created shared meaning in their marriage.  

Each time we turn to the Lord by applying the atonement in our personal life our marriage becomes strengthened. When we have faith in Jesus Christ we know that the trials we face are intended to perfect us, not condemn us. This life is all about that and without faith in Him we would most likely give up on marriage when times got tough. Faith in Christ gives us hope so that we are able to see the big picture and press forward through trials in marriage; discovering new qualities about ourselves and our spouse.

The part of the scripture in D&C 64:33 that stands out to me is “out of small things proceedeth that which is great.” Husbands and wives draw close to one another by small acts of service and love. The things that Gottman pointed out for couples to do to turn toward one another were nothing really big, but they do make a big impact when put altogether. Also, by doing these small things for one another we lay a foundation of admiration and love and a wonderful marriage(“a great work”). Gottman said that the outcome of a nice evening planned depends on the relationship of the couple beforehand. The evening won’t all at once bring a couple who are feeling bitter and resentful closer to one another but it can have this affect on a couple who have been turning toward one another through many acts each day.

1. I really liked the concept of love maps and reading about them has reminded me of some of the better aspects of my marriage. I think one of the challenges of maintaining love maps over time are the things in life that distract couples from each other like babies and young children, demanding careers that keep one or the other away from home and family, and  one or the other spending inordinate amounts of time pursuing hobbies/interests without their spouse. 

 

2.  Over the past few days as I  have made an effort to think of the things I love about my husband, I feel like our relationship is improving.  I have been making a mental list of things I love about my husband and I have found that my list goes on and on.  This week, I am finding my husband's jokes funnier, his sweet little gestures seem sweeter, and he isn't getting on my nerves as much. 

 

3.  I loved this quote from Elder Maxwell!  I think that he is saying that the people around us provide our trials and tribulations and God gives us the people and relationships around us to provide us with adversity and trial so that we can overcome. 

 

4.  One of the sacrifices that I have made willingly for my husband was to move out of state for him to pursue his career.  Before the move, I was eager and very supportive, but there are times I just miss my family. We moved to a really hot area too and sometimes I just miss the colder climates. It gets lonely staying at home and caring for our little ones at times, especially not knowing very many people. I noticed that when I can get out of the house, I complain less and feel less resentment.

5. As I think about and ponder ways to apply these principles I am getting feelings and impressions that I need to stop waiting for reciprocity from my husband and just give willingly and openly. Sometimes, marriage is give and take, but it needs to be mostly give. 

 

6.  I think that this teaching that the course of life that we pursue is in accordance to the will of God goes hand in hand with the need to submit to the challenges and struggles that are placed in our lives usually by the people in our lives.  We have to submit to the will of the father and offer up our own desires and our own plans as a sacrifice. 

Enduring to the end in a Healthy Marriage

Marriage. Words that I think of when I think of the word marriage are joy, happiness, love, unselfishness, caring, devotion. But it can also have times of sorrow, anger, hurt, and some might feel lonely, or regret.
I underlined unselfishness, because I think that that is the key word to having a more successful marriage. In a world that has become more selfish and entitled, it is important to remember that in a marriage their are two people, and you need to give of yourself, and not just take from your spouse. It is also important that you realize that it takes time for your love to grow, it takes time to know just how to love your spouse, it takes time and effort. One of my favorite quotes "People have learned to discard everything from paper plates to spouses." Divorce has become so common and so many have walked away from something that could have been fixed, but it seemed easier not to. When you first get married, and for the most part the first two years, you adjust and try to get through different transitions. You are learning to cope with living with someone you don't entirely know everything about, you have to cope with each other going to school, or working, or in-laws, money issues, for some they have children within the first two years, or even before. Their are many things that couples have to learn to work out, but what is important is that they DO work it out, and HOW they work it out.
So I would just like to help foster some Do's to do whether you have been married for 1 month or 50 years. These are some helpful tips that can help any marriage.
First thing, it is important for each couple to go over "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." In line six it states: "husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other," and through out the proclamation we can feel the importance of marriage and its purpose. It will do us well to seek out and have a greater understanding of what we have covenanted and committed to, and hope that that will give you the right attitude and behavior going into your marriage.
So there are two types of commitment,   constraint commitment, and personal dedication. Constraint commitment is an obligation, it forces couples to serve each other rather than break up. Personal dedication is an "intentional decision and desire to stay in a marriage." You are unselfish and want to seek your spouses welfare along with yours. Both are important, however you can see with personally dedicated couples that they give their relationship higher priority, and just like any type of service, you can feel a greater satisfaction for those you are serving and love.
Here are some ways you can nurture your covenants and marriage:
 Foundation Process #1
1. Intentional personal dedication.

1. Make a decision yourself that you will be intentionally and personally dedicated to your spouse.
2.  Sacrifice for and organize your life around each others
3. Change your attitude and behavior to better your relationship
4. Learn to resolve differences, listen, do have unrealistic expectations
5. Have date nights each week
6. Resolve personal problems
7. Be a good person 
8. Personally strive for individual improvement

 Elder Robert D. Hales explained:

                          "An eternal bond doesn't just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities."

2. Exclusive cleaving and unity. 

Please refer to D&C 42:22. President Spencer W. Kimball taught: 

"The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."

3. Practice spiritual patterns.

1. Pray and attend church together
2. "The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more meaningful, and in a sense easier your marriage is likely to be."  

President Kimball summed it up in his talk "Oneness in Marriage":

"When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste-mentally and physically-so that their whole thoughts and desires and loves are all centered in the one being, their companion, and both work together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle."

Foundational Process #2

 Ways to help nurture love and friendship

1. Know your partners love preferences. How does your partner like to receive love? 
2. Build a "love map"- a mental notebook where you collect info about your spouse that you want to remember. Like what your spouse's favorite food is, their likes, dislikes, dreams, fears, joys, ect. You do this so you can use these to love them better. You can create their favorite meal. Take them somewhere that reminds them of something they really love. 
3. Create Caring Days
1. This is where you tell each other something you would like each other to do. It must be specific, and it must be something that is positive, and small enough to be done on a daily basis, and cannot be related to any recent conflict. 
4. Talk as friends
5. Respond to bids for connection
1. A bid can be a question, a look, a gesture, a touch- any single expression that says, "I want to feel connected to you." 
6. Set goals for couple interaction
1. Do something together everyday, or everyweek
2. talk to each other about your day

Foundation Process #3
 Positive Interaction

When Aaron and I were first married we had many negative interactions. We fought on a regular basis. It was hard to feel happy in our marriage, and to want to spend time together because I thought we would just end up fighting. We were focusing to much on what we weren't doing rather than what we were doing. So I would suggest that when you find yourself feeling negatively towards each other, focus on positive qualities that each other possesses. Write out what made you fall in love with each other in the first place. What are their personal traits that you are drawn too, their talents, or features? You will find quickly how much your attitude changes in your mind and towards your spouse.

Foundation Process #4
Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

1. Prevention. Somethings just don't need to be said, it doesn't solve anything, and it you end up fighting about it. I remember having this problem a lot when we were first married. I would just say things that weren't very nice, or things he did that really bothered me, but didn't really need to be said. Couple council is one way you can talk about your relationship.
2. Eliminate Destructive interaction patterns 
1. In the book they identified four destructive patterns and called them "the four horsemen of the apocalypse, as they progresivly lead to the downfall of the relationship
1. cristism
2. contempt (sarcasm, name-calling, or eye-rolling)
3. defesiveness
4. stonewalling (unwilling to discuss issues)
3. Bring up concern softly, gently, and privately.  
1. This is important to not use "you" statements. It is important to say "I" statements when trying to talk about feelings. It is also super important that you discuss things privately and not to bring up issues in front of others, especially other family members.  Please refer to D&C 121:43. 

Again it is important to remember to have a good attitude and remember the importance of your marriage. I really love Elder F. Burton Howard's  explanation of how we should treat marriage.

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat is just that way."